Everyone Knows Its Windy

Earlier this evening I spent half an hour huddled in the bathtub with pillows over my head while the tornado sirens blared outside. Luckily this happened between the "America's Next Top Model" finale and the "Top Chef" pre-finale so that I didn't have to miss my reality-TV fix. Good to know that I can always maintain the proper perspective, even during a natural disaster.

So no, I didn't blow away, but you can't blame me for being skittish at times like these. In the past 10 years no fewer than two tornadoes have gone right over my head. The first time I was at a shopping mall. The power went out and everyone was herded into the center of the building. Some hysterical chick kept screaming that it was the worst place to be and that we would all die. Fortunately for management, she was wrong and we all lived to shop for another day. But the tornado did touch down less than a block away, and seeing the destruction up close was quite chilling.

The second near-miss happened at work. My co-workers and I were standing outside watching some nasty clouds in the distance. I heard somebody say, "Isn't that one rotating?" When I looked over I noticed that the leaves on all of the trees were rising straight up into the air, so I suggested that we go inside. By the time the last person came through the door she could barely pull it shut, the wind was so strong. The office building was about 100 years old and couldn't tolerate a puff from the Big Bad Wolf, much less an F5. So we crammed into a hallway and crossed our fingers. If it had been a Saturday I would have been rooting for the tornado. But I was afraid I would have to face my greatest fear - dying at work! The horror! But while there was damage all up and down the block, our shitty, squalid office building was spared. And we had to get right back to business! Not even a half-day off in exchange for our emotional distress and near-death experience.