MIA

Two weeks since my last post! I'm such a bad blogger. I haven't so much as touched my home computer in over a week. Tonight I decided to get with the program and check my email. It took forever to separate the messages I actually want to read from the Christian spam a certain well-meaning individual likes to send to me in spades. Now I'm exhausted and ready to log off again.

Part of my internet absence can be explained by insane work hours the past few weeks. The rest was a mixture of laziness and a bout with the stealth flu. You know, the kind that sneaks up on you one morning and kicks your ass the rest of the day, then suddenly departs. Even though it's been a few days, I'm still worn out from the projectile vomiting and the projectile . . . well, never mind . . . .e

Say Cheese!

A few weeks ago I got a new computer at work. It's a huge improvement over my previous Paleozoic-era machine. (In computer years, that is. In real time, circa 1999.)

The only feature I'm not thrilled about is the built-in camera. It's a great idea in theory, but the results have been less than spectacular. The first time I turned it on I was shocked by the sight of my haggard, worn-out visage popping up on the screen. I always thought I looked fairly young for my age, but hooooo-boy!

So now I've developed this habit of turning on the camera at random moments during the day and doing a face check. Apparently I display only two different facial expressions while at the office - stoned out of my gourd or rode hard and put away wet. So far the only time I looked like "myself" was when I checked in while rockin' out to a favorite old Van Halen song. I guess I need to surround myself with music at all times. Music must be the key. And maybe some better lighting.

Let's Split

Tonight at the office-supply store, among the racks of stationery and inkjet cartridges, I saw a "Divorce Made E-Z Kit." The package said the contents would help "two reasonable adults" part ways "quickly, efficiently and inexpensively." Hopefully I will never have to worry about separating from a spouse, but if it does happen I will handle it the way nature intended - by going to Tijuana.

The store also sold a "Prenuptial and Cohabitation Kit." Again, I've never needed such a thing and I suspect the kit is intended for people who have many more assets than I do. I could just see my cohabitation agreement: "Okay, if we break up you're welcome to the radio with the missing knob and the half-dead aloe vera plant. But keep your mitts off of my Replacements CDs and don't even think about touching the Felix the Cat cookie jar!"l

Little Gold Men

I barely saw any of the Oscars last night. I missed the beginning because I was standing in a long, slow-moving line at the supermarket. I missed the end because I couldn't stay awake. And I missed most of the rest because, well, I just don't care that much about the awards in the first place.

I did catch the Dead Folks Slide Show and was dismayed that Don Knotts was not included. His movies were pretty bad, but by playing Barney Fife he built up enough goodwill with me to last several lifetimes. Hopefully his death occurred too close to the broadcast date and he will be remembered next year. Otherwise I may have to cut someone!

I also saw the Academy get funky and award the Best Original Song Oscar to "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp." Huh? Don't get me wrong, I like hip-hop, but that made no sense. Maybe they were trying to atone for all the times some crappy Phil Collins song won and they overcorrected themselves.e

Werewolf of London

While channel-surfing the other night I was excited to run across an old favorite - "An American Werewolf in London." It's one of the coolest movies ever, with great makeup effects and gorgeous English scenery. Speaking of gorgeous scenery, that film is the reason why every time I hear Van Morrison's "Moondance" I picture David Naughton showering naked. Mmmmm...David Naughton.... I had an enormous crush on him back in the day. Many times I nearly broke my neck running to the TV to catch him doing the "I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, he's a Pepper, she's a Pepper" commercial. I haven't seen him in anything in years. Hopefully he aged well and didn't turn into a blob (Corey Haim), a Jesus freak (Kirk Cameron, Willie Aames) or a drug-addled mess (Leif Garrett)..