Tanorexia

Earlier this evening I tuned into Fox to watch "The Simpsons," but first had to sit through the final few seconds of what appeared to be a Miss Hawaiian Tropic pageant. I remember them; they used to advertise for contestants in the back of "Seventeen" magazine. I can't believe those pageants still exist. I thought by now they would have gone the way of Pet Rocks, jelly sandals, scrunchies and assorted other 1970s-1980s flotsam and jetsam.

I could tell the pageant was a quality event by the sponsor credits that flashed by at the end: "Contestant clothing provided by Joe Boxer. Beverages provided by Anheuser-Busch and Gallo Wines. Ground transportation provided by Dollar Rent-A-Car." Nothing but class, baby!b

"Celebrity" Encounter

Over the weekend I was in my car, rounding a corner near Barnes & Noble, when a pedestrian stepped right out in front of me. If you are familiar with my driving skills you know that is a risky move. So I got a pretty good look at him since he was only inches from my window. It was Comic Book Guy! Same large frame, goatee, balding on top/ponytail combo, t-shirt and baggy knee-length shorts. I tried to find him in the store to see if he was, in fact, shopping for comic books. But alas, it wasn't meant to be. I never saw him again.u

Snoops

I stayed up way too late last night watching "All The President's Men." I love the movie but viewing it now is slightly depressing. It reminds me of how much I loved writing, back before my mind grew soft and numb and lazy. Now I'm lucky if I manage to string two or three coherent sentences together. I'm still an armchair fan of investigative reporting, though, and I love nothing more than seeing a big, juicy scandal brought into the light.

One of my favorite things about the movie is all the little details that are no longer relevant in today's world: The typewriters clacking away in the newsroom, the rotary-dial phones, the men all dressed up for work in suits and ties, the smoking in the office and the sorting through piles of papers for information, rather than firing up the computer and searching on Google. And remember the good ol' days when Deep Throat's identity was a huge mystery? Then it turned out to be . . . ummmm . . . that old guy nobody had ever heard of . . . yeah . . . . How anticlimactic.

Whoever cast that film did Bob Woodward a huge favor. It's got to be a boost to the ego when Robert Redford is cast to play you in the movie of your life.

Cookie Monster

A few evenings ago I developed an intense craving for Oreos. I haven't had an Oreo in at least 10 years, so I'm not sure why all of a sudden I couldn't think about anything else. I went for a walk to try to forget about it, but no such luck. Finally I gave in and swung by the store to pick up a package. I splurged and bought the Double Stuf variety.

Once I got home I ate them the way I always did when I was younger: Chewed off the top cookie layer, licked out the cream, then ate the bottom layer. Unlike many people, I was never a dunker. It grossed me out to see those black crumbs floating in the milk. I always preferred my food to be "clean." I was one of those kids who freaked if any of the foods on my plate were touching each other. Picnics were the absolute worst because of the sloppiness of the usual menu items. I would dish out a serving of baked beans or cole slaw and SOME OF THE JUICE would run into the rest of my meal. The horror!

iTunes Blues, Part II

I came into work today and found my iTunes had been tainted sometime over the weekend. I launched the program and found songs that I didn't load. Songs by artists whom I would never listen to in a million years: Boston, Faith Hill, Toni Braxton, selections from the "Rent" soundtrack. I feel as though I've been raped!

Since I work in such a small office, it's very easy to figure out the culprit(s). I don't understand the need to use my computer when the culprit also has iTunes, but whatever. Guess it's time to bust out my old "touch at your own risk" trick. I used to have bosses who loved to nose around on their employees' computers for no particular reason. To deter this, whenever I got up from my desk for an extended period I would leave several wadded-up Kleenexes on my keyboard. It looked like such a snotty mess that no one wanted to approach without wearing a haz-mat suit. It may be childish, but when you put crappy music on my computer all bets are off.,

iTunes Blues

Lately I've spent my precious few free moments at work loading songs into iTunes. I have the program on my home computer, but it's the very first version and doesn't have the much-lauded "Party Shuffle" feature. So I was excited to try it out at work.

Results have been mixed so far. It will play a song and then the same one will pop back up in the rotation about 15 minutes later. There are tunes I've heard eight times in the past two days, while I've yet to hear others even once. Of course, the problem could be that I only have about 150 songs loaded so far.

Since I mostly have a room to myself, I never bother listening with headphones. This has caused a few awkward moments, though. I work with a horny bastard who has been known to use my computer after hours to search for porn sites. This is a man who does not need to get more hot and bothered than he already is. But inevitably he will be standing over me chatting and all of sudden "Let's Get It On," "Sexual Healing" or "I Want You" will come gently warbling out of the speakers. I suppose it's what I get for flaunting my Marvin Gaye love at the office. I need to find some music that is a sure turn-off. Any suggestions?