A Word From Our Sponsor

I've been watching way too much TV lately due to season finales, and I'm noticing way too many annoying commercials, such as:

• The one for an air freshener (Oust? Febreze?) with the voiceover that says, "What smells worse than fish? Fish...and flowers." Just because the living room set is so depressingly, hideously, realistically ugly with that dark wood paneling, sunburst clock and horrid sofa.

• The Skittles ad with the man who uses his long, skanky beard to feed a woman candy. Sick, gross and wrong!

• The commercial where the guy burns both his arms off trying to retrieve a Starburst from a vat of acid.

• The Hardee's commercials where everyone is making disgusting slurping noises while eating their giant nasty burgers, licking cheese off of wrapping paper or eating taco salad with their fingers. Triggers my gag reflex.

Just so I'm not completely negative, here are two that I actually enjoy:

• The Hanes commercial with Kevin Bacon and Michael Jordan. For purely shallow reasons, of course.

• The Pepsi commercial with Jimmy Fallon and Parker Posey. It's hella annoying but it makes me smile because it reminds me of one of my favorite "Onion" headlines: "Jimmy Fallon Six Tantalizing Months From Disappearing Forever." If only it were true!!

I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing...

...but I can't, because I have a terrible voice. I don't know whether to blame it on a tin ear or a lifetime of sinus problems and post-nasal drip. But I've always been very self-conscious about it and precious few people have ever heard me sing anything. When I was forced to appear in school programs, I merely mouthed the lyrics. If I'm in a church I sit silently when it's time for hymns. I won't even join in on a chorus of "Happy Birthday" at a party!

The only one who actually likes my singing is my bird. He loves to be serenaded, but he's very particular about the type of music he wants to hear. If I sing a pop or rock song he squawks and flaps his wings at me. He prefers show tunes. His favorites are "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina" from "Evita" and "It's A Hard-Knock Life" from "Annie." He's such a theater bitch!!

Everyone Knows Its Windy

Earlier this evening I spent half an hour huddled in the bathtub with pillows over my head while the tornado sirens blared outside. Luckily this happened between the "America's Next Top Model" finale and the "Top Chef" pre-finale so that I didn't have to miss my reality-TV fix. Good to know that I can always maintain the proper perspective, even during a natural disaster.

So no, I didn't blow away, but you can't blame me for being skittish at times like these. In the past 10 years no fewer than two tornadoes have gone right over my head. The first time I was at a shopping mall. The power went out and everyone was herded into the center of the building. Some hysterical chick kept screaming that it was the worst place to be and that we would all die. Fortunately for management, she was wrong and we all lived to shop for another day. But the tornado did touch down less than a block away, and seeing the destruction up close was quite chilling.

The second near-miss happened at work. My co-workers and I were standing outside watching some nasty clouds in the distance. I heard somebody say, "Isn't that one rotating?" When I looked over I noticed that the leaves on all of the trees were rising straight up into the air, so I suggested that we go inside. By the time the last person came through the door she could barely pull it shut, the wind was so strong. The office building was about 100 years old and couldn't tolerate a puff from the Big Bad Wolf, much less an F5. So we crammed into a hallway and crossed our fingers. If it had been a Saturday I would have been rooting for the tornado. But I was afraid I would have to face my greatest fear - dying at work! The horror! But while there was damage all up and down the block, our shitty, squalid office building was spared. And we had to get right back to business! Not even a half-day off in exchange for our emotional distress and near-death experience.

Yum Part Deux

As promised last week, here is a photo of my current TV crush, Harold from “Top Chef.” (Note: click on question mark to link to photo; for some crazy reason it wouldn't upload to my site directly.) He follows in the illustrious (?) footsteps of previous objects of my affection such as Scott Baio, Parker Stevenson and Lurch from “The Addams Family” (don’t ask; I was a weird child).

I think he takes a great picture, but you really need to see him in action to appreciate him. He just oozes hotness, whether he’s peeling a shallot, filleting a salmon, sharpening a knife, squeezing a lemon or arguing with a difficult clerk at the fish counter. He also has many endearing, nerdy/adorable qualities like his hands shaking during his first challenge, the glasses he sometimes wears, the pencil that’s often tucked behind his ear and his shyness during the challenge that took place in a sex shop. And he gives the BEST goodbye hugs to his departing competitors. Swoon....

Yum

I need to learn how to post a photo so that I can show off my new TV boyfriend, Harold Dieterle from "Top Chef." Lawd have mercy! I could just sop him up with a biscuit. Forget the food – he is the tastiest thing about that show. Okay, the eyebrows could use a little pruning, but that's just picking nits. Besides, I find it rather endearing. It disturbs me when a guy is "manscaped" within an inch of his life. There is nothing hotter than a man who can cook . . . and is good with his hands . . . oh my, I'm getting the vapors. Where are the smelling salts?